Silencing the Toad

I don't know what's up, but the last couple of weeks I've been fighting off some feelings of discouragement.  Now, don't be alarmed.  Thankfully, it's been over a year now since I got my meds adjusted and was able to leave a 2 year depression behind.  I'm not depressed like that (and so thankful!)  But, sometimes, every once in a while, despite how ridiculously BLESSED I am, I get a little discouraged.

I have dreams.  I think most people have dreams.  Some people are actively living theirs, others are working toward them, some are just aware, and a few may not even know of them.  But they are there.  Dreams are there, buried deep, deep in the innermost tiny back closet of one's heart.  They may be locked so tightly and bound with the strongest chains, but they DO exist.  To dream is to be human.  If not for hoping for something better for ourselves, our families, our world, then there would be little point in existence.

Garelito Photos

So, even though I used to actively try NOT to dream (it was too disappointing to do so), over the last several years I've allowed myself to believe a little bit again.  Bullied by life's rough school of knocks, I learned to armor myself against the hurt of failure, disappointment, and loss.  I didn't have the tools to handle these feelings that seemed an ever-present reality.  But now, now I've grown some.  I have a loving and kind husband who teaches me that there IS a reason to hold out hope - despite whatever odds one may feel she is facing.  I have been blessed with kind and caring friends who have helped open my heart to art, and in doing so have inadvertently opened a door of vulnerability and rawness - both of which are necessary (in my humble opinion) to live creatively.   Now, though I still struggle and am far from where I'd like to be, I have more coping skills for dealing with those failures, disappointments, and losses.  Part of living a creative life (though admittedly, only part time), means learning to love the beauty in nearly everything; learning to accept flaws as part of the completed project, and having joy in the creation rather than just the finished product.  That doesn't apply to just art itself, but the very essence of living.  I have learned to be a little more gentle with myself, to accept my weaknesses.  No, not just accept them -but almost embrace them - for they make me who I am, for better or worse.

All that being said, I've still been fighting off discouragement.  I feel alone in so many ways.  I want to have a child(ren) someday.  I'm 38 and I may not get to.  I may even get too old to adopt a child.  And, even if I did/do, I'm going to be in SUCH a different place than my peers.  Most people my age have children in at least their teens, and some even entering college this year.  I haven't even begun.  If I adopt by the time I'm 40, I'll be nearly 60 by the time that child is graduating high school.  Imagine a 50 year old at "Mom's Club" with a bunch of early twenty to thirty year-olds.  I'm going to be the oddball, just as I am now.

Bernadette Darnell

I feel alone because most of my friends have families that take up the majority of their time.  I understand and heartily agree that family comes first.  But, at the same time, I often feel like they are too busy with their lives to have time for me.  I love my husband, but he is quite the introvert and I often seek outside friendships to help fill the conversational void.  Besides, even the best husband can't do what a good girlfriend or two can.  It's a special bond that women share.

Because I am outgoing (more extroverted by nature), I tend to be the one to invite others and get the ball rolling.  I'm the planner, the organizer.  I get it.  If you're introverted, planning a get-together is akin to getting a tooth pulled.  I try to remember that.  But sometimes, especially lately for some reason, I just want someone else to put forth the effort.  I don't want to be the one who always initiates things.  I want to feel like others want to have ME in THEIR lives.  But again, because my dreams are slow to fruition, I'm in a different place than them, and I can't fault them their busy-ness.  I would likely be the same, if I were a mother.

Bernadette Darnell

So, that's where I am.  I'm backwards from my peers.  It gets lonely sometimes.  Discouragement knocks.  But, I must use the tools I've tried to develop to fight back - to remember that I DO matter, if to no one else, at least to my husband.  I know it'll get better.  It's just a temporary feeling.  My happiness and zest will come back to me soon.  I'm HOPING, anyway.  Because, that's who I am now - I'm a person who hopes and dreams.  I have unlocked my heart and I will push away the doubts and fears and keep trying to live a creative life, complete with blemishes, mess-ups, re-dos.  One day my life's work may be the beautiful piece I envision it can be.

p.s.  To those who read my blog - this is not an attempt to garner sympathy or "Oh, but we do love you"s.  The blogging is for me to be REAL and PRESENT.  It's for me - part of MY way of living a creative life.

It's Lovely to Have Sisters

Been so busy and it's been so long.  Wanted to check in, though.

A)  My depression has gotten WAY better since I finally got in to see a new psychiatrist (a month wait list for new patients).  I'm so thankful, as the last 2 years have been really really tough for me.  Not that everyone else doesn't have their problems, too.  We've all got some.  I'm just so grateful for some relief so I can be more like ME again.

B)  My older sister, Carla, finally moved here from Oregon!  I say, "FINALLY", because I've been working on her for literally years to try to get her to move here.  Of my 6 siblings, she was the only one that was fairly inaccessible to me.  I think she quite liked it that way, to be honest.  (Can't say as how I blamed her for moving back then when she did--crazy people in the family can make wanting to "stay close" less-appealing.)  But, now we're all older and I'm glad she's close.  I love both my sisters (1 older, Carla, and 1 younger, Casey) so much.  Even though I was the "middle child" both in the family and in between sisters, and I was a rotten, mean, bossy child, I've gotten somewhat better.  I'm glad my sisters and I are so close.  No one can make me laugh the silliest laughs like they do.  It's a special wacky kind of humor that only a certain amount of history and genetic resemblance can induce.

However, that being said, I also feel so blessed that I have so many, many wonderful girlfriends in my life.  You know that saying that goes something like, "When one door closes, another one will open"?  Life really is kind of like that.  I had a VERY rough time of it in 5th and 6th grade.  The girls in my class were so mean and catty.  If you remember being that age, or have female children who've been that age, undoubtedly you'll recall the ridiculosity (cool word I just invented) of those "friendships".  For me, as I was really smart, my "girlfriends" would always ask me for the answers to the homework they failed to complete.  I used to give it to them because I sooooo wanted to "fit in".  But somewhere around age 11 or 12, I not only began to grow boobs, but a sense of self, as well.  When I began turning them down for their requests, they HATED me.  Not only did they ignore me and make fun of me, one girl even SPAT on me walking home from school one day!  Can you believe that?!  By the time I moved on to Jr. High School (7th grade), I was determined that I would NEVER let myself be hurt by "friends" like that again.

At first, I was a little wary of making "friends" all over again.  I kind of figured all girls were like that.  But, as I focused more on being the ME I wanted to be and less on what I thought others wanted me to be, I found some really great people who liked me just as I was.  I was funny, charismatic, smart and interesting (I don't know what's happened since....but that's another story. :)  From that point forward, I became increasingly skilled at making friends.  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't just like I decided it would be so and viola, it was.  No, no, no.  As with anything worthwhile, it has taken YEARS and YEARS of practice.  Occassionally I still get "burned" by not so good people, but it hurts a lot less because I know I will always find other/better friends.  They're the ones who are missing out!

So back to the point at hand, I am so grateful for wonderful genetic sisters, as well as my "sisters" that are my close friends.  Some I've had for decades, while others have been with me for just a few short months.  All are treasured in my heart (as cheesy as that sounds).  They love me for me and that is one of the best feelings in the world, wouldn't you agree?  As the last 2 years have been a daily depression battle, I've often said prayers of gratitude to a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to bless with me with amazing, talented, caring friends who help get me through the rough patches.  Just knowing there was someone who I could go to lunch with, or share a craft with, or even exchange emails (detailing the many gorgeous items we've found on the internet that we would "buy" for each other), always gave me hope and something to look forward to.

The past few weeks have been especially full of love and friendship.  I hope the rest of the year continues to be as bright and warm as this Spring is proving to be.

Though this is probably the WRONG thing to do (inevitably I'll forget someone and hurt her feelings), I'd still like to give a shout out to some of my favorite girlfriends.  We may not talk often, or we may see each other every day.  No matter what, though, these are those that mean a lot to me at this point in my life (just as others have played important roles at different periods of my life).  I thank you all for your loving kindness, constancy  and loyalty in our relationships:

Carla--my older sister
Casey--my younger sister
Mom--my really older sister :)
Dee Dee--my BFF for life--who makes me laugh just as hard as my sisters.
Rebecca--my HS BF who builds me up better than anyone.
Alisa--who's opened up my world to the past and my future to creativity.
Nina--who understands my heart better than most because she KNOWS.
Julie--for sending that first email and being so open and honest.
Lori--my kindred spirit in all things crafty, decor, food, etc.
Jenn O.--we clicked from day one and I so love our discussions.
Kirsten--the model of perfect mothering and food storage reliance!

I'm sure I've missed a few, and if you are someone I missed--please forgive me.  I'm a crazy old bat with a poor memory!

Love to all!

p.s. Today my sister, Carla, and I did a "photo-shoot".  How fun is that?  Sisters are the few who will actually tell you when you look fat in a picture and to re-pose.  Her pictures turned out great, I think.

Good Friends

Tonight I had a few girlfriends over to play games.  It was just a small group of us, but I had the most wonderful time.  You know how good it feels when you are around honest, open, and good people?  It makes you just almost giddy inside to connect with others who "get" you.  I'm soooooo thankful for the many friends Heavenly Father has blessed me with in my life, and hope to always continue cultivating those and new friendships.

Similarly, last weekend a group of 8 of us went on a retreat to Tyler Texas' Memory Lane Inn.  The Inn is an old early 1900 house that has been completely renovated inside.  It was GORGEOUS and comfortable.  We had such a wonderful time together.  We may not have gotten as much crafting done as we would have liked, but it's all about the camaraderie, right?  My recently published friend (can you tell how proud of her I am?), Alisa Noble was my suite mate (she's so easy to stay over with--no snoring, not an overly light sleeper.)  Also part of our awesome group were Marie Jenkins (an amazing talented lady who knows a lot about living); Cami Dilsaver (a strong, independent woman with a heart the size of Texas...and then some);  Liesl Milford (a Louisiana-bred hoot and a holler all rolled up into one funny gal) Dana Suza (truly and ARTIST--she sees life through an amazing pair of eyes), and Shannon Martinson (Pink Fish Designs jewelry crafter).  Most of these gals are friends I met just from being involved in various art groups and projects in the area.  I am always in awe of the creative talent that surrounds me.  I even get envious at times--but then I have to remember we all have different talents.  I, for example, have excellent penmanship.

But the best part of the retreat wasn't just being there for 3 days devoted wholly to creating, although that in itself is pretty noteworthy.  The amazing stories I heard from these women's lives filled me with such gratitude and admiration.  As I listened to one lady recount the horror of her son being burned by a car explosion in a mechanic shop (and the months and months of pain and hardship they went through afterward),  I felt such a love for this woman.  The things she'd gone through had been really really hard, but she was so gracious and strong in sharing.  I admire the strength she's gained from going through this, and other difficult life challenges.  I also felt my heart fill with compassion as I listened to another woman recount a part of her life when her children were very young.  Her husband, unfortunately, chose to take his own life, leaving behind a family with no form of support.  It wasn't enough that she had to fight through the grief, sorrow, and even anger of the situation.  On top of that, she was then faced with the realization that she was the SOLE provider for these young babes.  I listened to her stories of the multiple jobs she took on, just to provide food and shelter for the children--going down the way, pulling her kids in a wagon, trying to sell dried flowers.  At one point, even her own brother-in-law and his wife tried to come and "help" her by offering to take her newborn baby off her hands.  Can you imagine?  She clung tightly to those little ones and never slept more than a few hours a night, making sure she did everything in her power to keep them safe and well.  When I see a woman overcome such hardship and not only survive, but come out victorious, I am filled with the deepest feelings of respect and kinship for her.  It makes me feel better as a woman, to know there are others out there who have difficult life problems, but are overcoming them beautifully.  It's as if they're saying, "We're all in this together, Honey."

To See My Creation in a Larger Format, Please Click Here

As I'm going along in my life trying to overcome problems new and old, it's such a boost to my spirit to be with other women who are facing their own challenges--but are succeeding.  I'm thankful to those who open their hearts up wide enough for me to have a peek inside and share with them.  That is such a privilege.

Friendship

Today I just wanted to state how very thankful I am for good friends.  Really good friends.  Friends who love me for ME.  I don’t have to pretend I’m something more than what I am.  They accept me with all my faults and love the good they see in me.  It’s hard to find friends like that when you’re an adult.  I’m so thankful Heavenly Father has blessed me with great and lasting friends.  Their love and kindness give me strength when I am weak and make my heart feel lighter when it is weighed down with sorrow and discouragement.  Thank you to my friends for your love.  You know who you are.  At least, I hope I’ve let you know how much I love and appreciate you so you DO know who you are.

Thinking of how thankful I am for friendship, I altered a couple of Vintage cards with two quotes that I like.  (Click on image to see it larger / more clearly.) Enjoy.



And a fun one:

Hearts of Wellness

We did it!  Recently I was fortunate enough to come across a wonderful website, VolunteerMatch.org.   On this site you can select your area (by city or zip code) and it will show you mulitple volunteer opportunities from which you can choose.  I came across a program called "Hearts of Wellness".  

There is a clinic located nearby that is manned by volunteers (including doctors and nurses) that services children who are uninsured or whose families can't afford doctor visits.  Pediplace was asking for Valentine treat bag donations to hand out to their patients during the week of February 11-16. 



I emailed the volunteer coordinator to inquire as to how many treat bags were needed.  For some reason she was very vague and I couldn't seem to pin her down on a definitive answer to my query.  She mentioned that she had two others who had volunteered to make and donate 25 Valentine treat bags each.  Again, I asked how many more they needed and all she would say was, "Please feel free to just donate as many or as few as you are comfortable with.  We'll take any donations we can get." 

After further exploration of the website, I read somewhere that Pediplace tends to as many as 75 patients/day.  With some handy-dandy calculator magic (because yes, I am THAT poor at doing math in my head), I came up with a number of 375 (75 patients x 5 days of the week).  I then had a goal in mind and quickly got to work.

I have learned a great deal in Photoshop this year and always love working on digital projects.  So, I whipped up about 7 different Valentines that could simply be printed from one's computer and cut to size.  I then attached these Valentine pictures to a bulk email that I sent out to over 100 of my friends, asking them if any would like to participate with me on this service project?

Well, not surprisingly at all, I had many wonderful people respond with loving hearts and willing hands!  These ladies generously purchased and put together a total of over 250 Valentine treat bags complete with signed Valentines and LOTS of candy!  (Shout out of thanks to the following friends (and their families) for happily helping me with this project:  Cara Stimson, Lori Tolbert, Suzanne Strickler, Denise LaJoie, Crystal Bell, Glenda Crump and Jennifer Long.) 

Although the Valentines were made in an effort to help these children who are economically challenged feel the community's love and support for them, I'm the one who ended up feeling loved and supported!  My heart was full of joy in being able to participate in this simple act of kindness, but also by being willingly joined by wonderful friends.  I couldn't have done it without their generous hearts and feel so blessed to know these great gals!


The staff at Pediplace was SO amazed when I showed up with a giant Rubbermaid tub full of donations!  They had no idea that I would be bringing so many for them!  I only wish all those who participated could've been with me to see their happy faces.  Thank you, ladies (and families), for all you've done!