It's been a little over two months since my dad passed away. All the details have been taken care of, and the memorial service has come and gone.
And today, today is the day I finally cried. I didn't expect it. All the while when everyone asked me how I was doing, I kept saying, "I'm okay. I'm happy for him because I know he's in a better place." I didn't feel sadness because I understood that he would no longer have to be imprisoned by his mortal body.
But today, I do feel sad. Maybe it's the fact that Thanksgiving was yesterday. I don't know. I was just sitting at my desk working and some thought must've slipped through my subconscious. Next thing I know I'm sitting here bawling like a baby.
Usually, I'm pretty in touch with my feelings. When I feel things, I usually know why. I know this feeling of sadness that just overcame me is about my dad's passing, but I don't understand why now.
I'm sad for my dad's life. I wish I could've been stronger for him. I wish I could've been more patient, less judgmental, better at letting things roll off my back. I get my stubborn nature from him; but unfortunately, it caused us to often be at odds with one another. I don't regret my relationship with him. I did the best I could. He did the best he could. But, sometimes people doing the best they know how, doesn't necessarily mean things work out as we think they should.
I am sad that dad had such a HARD, HARD life. One of the things about him, though, is that he never quit. Sometimes he'd go off track a bit, but he never quit. He always kept trying to do better, to be better. I wish that he would've had as much happiness as the effort he put into TRYING.
Looking back, it's no lie that there were some really hard times having him for a dad. But that's not what I think of now. Now, I think of all the GOOD things he did and all the LOVE that he had for us. I think of how he kept trying to be a better husband, a better father, a better person. I wish he could have felt more success. I wish I could've been able to applaud his efforts more and judge his weakness less.
I'm thankful to know that God lives. I'm thankful to know that Jesus Christ came to redeem the world and because of the laying down of his life, we will all be able to live again. I'm thankful that I know that my dad's spirit is alive now and that he can be free from mortal pain and sorrow. I know that my dad forgives me for my weakness in loving him. I know, because that's how he is. Just as Jesus loves us, dad would rather have taken any sadness or sorrow upon himself than to have any one of his children experience it.
I'm sure that when I see my dad again, we might still butt heads. It's not like dying makes us perfect. But, I hope, that I will have grown stronger, that I will have learned to be more humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering. I hope that I can love him better.